Content

Funny how things change.

I like my job. Guess what they said about life after residency is actually true....

It's complicated. And it's hard. And I am running to the computer half the time to look things up (umm, excuse me, I need to delve more into your chart - will be back and we can discuss a gameplan). But I like it. I actually like it.

Maybe part of it is the whole new campaign - people are coming to me because they want to (or just need a new doc)... but even with that, I get asked, can I bring this family member to you? etc.

It's a huge compliment, and I am beyond flattered.

Anxiety. I deal a lot with anxiety - more so than depression around here. And speaking of anxiety, I have my own - like I can't live in the moment and appreciate it, like I almost am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ironic. And annoying.

Hopeful

So it's barely any time at all into my new job, but I am hopeful... maybe it is coming from a training that is more urban/suburban, but I really do like my new surroundings! I actually felt beat-up in residency via patients, for whatever reason... and now that I am in a new environment, I feel like I earned all this, like my opinion actually "matters" to the patient. Which is what one would hope for, given all the training.... like it was worth it, eh?

Sleep

Okay, so now the novelty - even the overwhelming/scared aspect has worn off a bit... I am doing it, I am not afraid to ask for help from the other, more seasoned docs with rashes, for example... or to utilize the ever-popular medical computer resource for, say, reminders on treatment for diverticulitis or even a COPD exacerbation (especially because now I am thinking less broadly and more on that individual patient).... so where does that leave me? Tired. It's the move and new job and all, but I just wish I wasn't so mentally and physically drained at the end of the day. Instead of feeling rejuvenated, I just feel exhausted... which doesn't help me... do I then exercise? nope. Tend to eat out more and perhaps more "unhealthy" food? Of course. ack.

So....

... I think I want to start having a family now. It started my final year of residency, when I would coo over every newborn I saw.... but now - is it facebook? my own biological clock ticking? friends and family with kiddo number 2? Who knows, but yes, I want to be pregnant.

How to rectify with just starting a job? hmph.

Officially on my own

It's been a while since I wrote. Since then, residency has ended. I am officially on my own.

It's bizarre to not have people to fall back on. I find myself looking not only for medical advice, but turning to anyone just to shoot the shit.... just to say, wow! That was a bizarre encounter... and after my little purge of info/insight, I am suddenly overwhelmed with anxiety - should I have said that? Even if I didn't use any names, am I being unethical? Un-HIPPA-like?

I am tired and exhausted and overwhelmed and scared, but I care. I suppose that's the bottom line.