Jack of all...

Okay, I won't finish that one.  It's a pet-peeve-of-mine saying, but sometimes it seems oh-so true.

Like today...  from PCKD... to chronic constipation...  to the pre-op for my post-menopausal bleeding patient.  Oh!  And a bit of CIN 1 follow-up, plus an overweight female who may have PCO and diabetes thrown in.

I love the variety.  I adore the variety.  But at this point, it's that very variety that scares the crap out of me.  When will I feel comfortable with this stuff?  There is just, well, so much "stuff!" Perhaps it's that perfectionistic trait - I don't want to feel sorta comfortable.  I want to know it.  Do it.  Prescribe it.  Diagnose it.  BAM!

That fear of the unknown will always be there. Good? Bad?  Who knows. I hope at the very least that this will be a good doctor push. That's my attempt at a positive spin on it.

A good doctor. It's what I hope to be, and strive to be. So why don't I have that disgusting over-confidence that most of the med students or residents run around with??

Bleck.

Onward.

Anxiety Sucks.

For some reason my patient du jour is 60-something woman who have anxiety.  I guess that's where my eating disorder comes into play - instead of making snap judgments, I "get" their anxiety.... their worries and fears.  It's interesting, to have myself -  a 29 year old female interact so well with someone double my age.  I like it.  To me, that's family medicine. 

I have an eating disorder.

Much inspired by the blog on this med student who suffers from  a mental illness:

 

http://bipolarinmedschool.blogspot.com/

I have bulimia.  Had bulimia.  Whatever.

Eek!  Bulimia.  Gross.  Who is this?  A doctor??!  I can't imagine.

I am a doctor struggling with an eating disorder.   It ebbs and flows, certainly not as active as it had been, but still...  med school and residency don't allow much "healing" time for an ED (and no, ED does not just pertain to those of the Viagra type ;).  That may sound glaringly obvious, but it wasn't so at the time.    

Today I am just annoyed  and frustrated that I still deal with this, even if it is "just" feeling fat.

More later.  

Onward...

Does your work define you?

Been thinking about this lately...  when I was in undergrad, and more so, in med school, I clung to the definition of "becoming a doctor."  Perhaps for me it was the First in the Family aspect...  or rather, the "early planning" aspect - the fact that I had been thinking about this since the 5th grade.  But as I have progressed, I have swung to the opposite side.  In my down time, I now avoid the subject.

 I don't want to give advice on my friend's fatigue (really, she is just overworked and sleep-deprived, not b12 deficient, in my opinion), my sister's supposed bunion (err,  hallux valgus  - I am a doctor, after all! Regardless, why doesn't she just stop wearing her high heels everywhere), my sister-in-law's pregnancy woes (quite younger sister-in-law, for some reason a tough pill to swallow as I approach AMA with my sans children life).  This whole doctoring "thing" has been a goal - but beyond that, became my life's purpose.  Now that I am here - here more so than I ever was...  and I finally see that while "balance" was my driving force, how little I ended up letting myself be defined by other things.  

So what am I?

I am a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter.  A [new!] wife.  A lover of poetry, photography, and, well, people.   I adore stories.   A runner... when I can fit it in!  A friend - both new and old.  A confident and an optimist.  A love for the comfort of rituals, while despising the mundane.  A new cat lover!  While being an old dog lover.

I am a family medicine resident.  I love medicine at its best, and want to throw it away at its worst.   I am continuing to go forward.

Onward!

One big hug-of-a hello!

I'm a family medicine resident.  Year 2!  

Year 2 you say?  One more year.  Time to make money.  Time to step away from residency.  Time to branch out on my own.  Have a bit more autonomy.

Year 2 you say?  One more year.  Yikes!  Am afraid.  I need more time.  I need more training.  I need more support.  More and more and more.

Beyond that....

I always wanted to be a doctor - cliche you gasp! but true.   Like Dr. Quinn,  Medicine Woman (embarrassingly enough) - I wanted to be her, The Doctor - the town doctor, talking care of everyone.  And with her flowing-locks Sully in tow.

Since then I have grown, matured... and perhaps become a bit cynical, a bit jaded... but all the while am attempting to wade through the waters of my professional future, figuring out where exactly I fit.

Onward!